Burn The Slack Away

Washington Times to Assess Positioning in Response to Control by Psychotic Deistic Quasi-Religious Organization; New Management Team to Focus on Sustainability Planning

WASHINGTON, DC – The Washington Times LLC today announced that it is continuing on its path toward a sustainable multimedia news enterprise involving leadership expertise from within The Washington Times and directed by its Board of Directors and its parent company, News World Communications LLC, despite the insanity and inanity eminating from the Moonie Investors.

Today’s industry conditions and the general economic downturn necessitate this team-based assessment, planning, and subsequent implementation of a plan to enable The Times to become a sustainable (!) multimedia company in today’s challenging news industry environment, utilizing the concrete shoes provided by the Moonie Investors.

Jonathan Slevin has been named Acting President and Publisher of The Washington Times, having passed through the initiation of teabagging the Reverend Leader Himself, twice. Tatum executive services and other specialists are providing assistance to a new Washington Times leadership team of stooges and mercenaries. The process will clarify the steps needed to achieve the goal of a market-based, financially sustainable media enterprise, in theory.

Mr. Slevin previously served as a vice president of The Washington Times, was managing editor of the New York City Tribune, held executive business management positions in other industries, and is the author of several books. He comes from a journalism family that includes his late father, a reporter on the political economy and former president of The National Press Club, his cousin who was formerly editorial page editor of The Los Angeles Times, and his uncle, editor in chief of The Baltimore Sun and a Pulitzer-prize winning reporter in international affairs. Poor schmuck. Give him 28 months, max.

Thomas P. McDevitt has been relieved of his duties as president and publisher of The Washington Times, having finally lost 100% of his soul and thereby been rendered completely useless to the Organization. Keith Cooperrider, former chief financial officer of The Washington Times, has also been relieved of his duties, as well as Dong Moon Joo, who was serving in a titular role as chairman. That is not a typo.

“The Washington Times values the highest standards of journalism and a commitment to serving the citizens of our democratic form of government, which we hope to change to a theocracy with the Righteous Holy Rev. Moon or his direct descendents in a position of total power, with the news they need to make informed decisions that benefit our long-term goals on matters in our vital collective and personal interests,” said Slevin. “Our assessment team looks forward to emerging with a market-based plan that supports the sustainability of The Washington Times and advances the Times’ role as an important source of biased and slanted news and opinion for readers who value a diversity of information and analysis as long as the defense industry and dictatorial power is constantly supported.”